CutieStare

Friday, September 26, 2014

How To Get Through a Boring Day

Sunday, September 07, 2014

Life Can be Hard

I admit that it's hard to get what I want in life. Like right now.. everyone else is at school furthering themselves but I'm stuck at home for another four months before i can make a move towards my future. I think it's hard to stay motivated when I feel all alone with no one who can relate or I can actually talk to. Yes I get assistance from my mom and yes she works hard to support me but i honestly can't stand the way she treats me, accuses me and puts me down most times. Am I a bad daughter for thinking that she's a bit ungrateful for having a kid who does nothing wrong and finds their way back home safely every night? Sometimes I wish she had another daughter, one that came out like most of the girls at my school. Slutty and only thinks of herself. Then she can see how lucky she is to have me that won't dare be rude, always listen and treats others before myself.

Life is hard.

Is it meant to be this hard?

I don't have much problems like some other people but I think they forget that I'm human too and sometimes I need consoling and I need help and I need reassurance and I need someone to tell me that it's fine. That everything will be alright and that it'll work out in the end.

It's exhausting being mine and everyone else's counsellor and teacher. It's discouraging just being at home, sitting alone doing nothing and just waiting for the months to pass so that I can finally be something.

Yes it's hard to live like this. Frequent mood swings and a cloud of depression sometimes conquers my mind and I'm forced to remember those dark days when I couldn't smile when I hated life and this world.

It's hard.

It's hard to live in my head sometimes as it constantly reminds me that I'm not good enough, not talented enough and not smart enough to make it to where I would like to be.

So I have to go back to my CXC and look at those results to prove it wrong.

To show myself that I made it through that time and this small depression is nothing compared to that war I faced years ago as a little girl who's now facing the world.

I say this as if I've faced it all that I'm ready for the next trial in front of me

but in all honesty

I'm scared that I fail and bring shame to my hard working mom who tried to give me everything.

Yes she's annoying and yes she accuses but she was the one that gave me the chance to be something.

This life is hard, very hard.

But of course it's supposed to be hard,

if it were easy everyone would be lazy.

I think hard is what makes this life great.

By: CutieStare

Friday, September 05, 2014

Afraid to speak up

Monday, September 01, 2014

Late night thoughts

Sunday, August 31, 2014

A letter to my younger self

Friday, August 08, 2014

Piece of Mind- My Recent Laziness

August 8 2014

Today I'm just going to talk about things that have recently been in my mind.

Small future plans and my recent laziness that has taken over my vacation.

So let's get started.

Recently I found myself being a bit lazy.. Okay REALLY lazy.

I don't know if it's because I'm always home or the environment I'm in is always so laid back but when the day come I find myself doing absolutely nothing and waiting the hours away.

Then I go to bed at mid-night and wake up late the next morning to repeat the process.

I think because I'm doing nothing much during the day it's affecting me mentally and now I can't sleep. I take hours (more than usual) to fall asleep.

I think I developed this attitude because I had too much vacation time. During finals all the seniors were to stay home unless they had an exam, then didn't have to come to school until grad and prom. Because of this I basically had an early vacation with nothing much to do. Especially since this was my last year in high school so now I can't even say I'm going to study for next term.

Because of this lazy attitude my art has been struggling. I cannot concentrate on poems, my drawings isn't up to my standards and I can't get in the mood to paint x.x

Sooo to get out of this lazy attitude that I have, I decided to do a art study on one of my favorite Instagram personalities.

This will hopefully give me more practice in drawing and illustrating. Even painting if I wish to paint her. I chose five pictures in her Instagram and I hope to complete all five or at least four by the end of next week. To ensure that I don't waste anymore time I've collected the pictures and materials ahed of time. Hopefully I get rid of this lazy attitude.

I also plan in doing a film that hopefully I can post to YouTube. It'll be completely for fun and just so I have stuff to do. There's only three more weeks left in this vacation and for some reason I think that I won't be starting school again until January. My mom tells me not to worry but I can't help but have that feeling so I need to plan loads of stuff to keep me busy.

I have loads of things planned for this blog.. If only you can see my drafts lol. I just need to get off my 'arse' and start.

Wish me luck?

-CutieStare